"President Obama was diagnosed with acid reflux. His approval rating is so low that he's starting to get pushback from his esophagus." -Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama and Michelle Obama went to a parent-teacher conference at their daughters' school this week. The teachers say their daughters are doing well, but with a few billion more in education funding, they could be doing great." –Jimmy Fallon
"Democrats in state legislatures are at their lowest level since the 1920s. President Obama has a can't-miss strategy to save the party in 2016. He's leaving." –Craig Ferguson
"At a polling station while President Obama was standing next to a woman, a man shouted out, 'Hey, Mr. President, stay away from my girlfriend.' He didn't say this because Obama was flirting with her, but because his girlfriend is a Democrat running for re-election." –Conan O'Brien
"Michelle Obama said she wants Americans to elect a woman president 'as soon as possible.' So even she has had enough of President Obama." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama's approval rating is down to 39 percent. And Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who admitted to smoking crack cocaine, went up to 49 percent. How does this make Obama feel? He'd be better off smoking crack than passing Obamacare." –Jay Leno
"It just came out that President Obama brings a portable security tent with him on overseas trips so that he can read classified documents. He sets up a tent in his hotel room. Obama said it's a good way to avoid being spied on while he keeps track of who he has spied on." –Jimmy Fallon
"Obama said they've had some glitches with the Affordable Care website. I'll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants online and they send you the wrong color, that's a glitch. This is like a Carnival cruise, for God's sake! Today Obama was in so much trouble he called Hillary Clinton and he said, 'Could you start early?'" –David Letterman
"The president spoke today on the Obamacare website glitches. He said he's bringing in "the best and the brightest" to solve the problem. Why didn't he bring in the best and the brightest in the first place? See, this is typical Washington. They only bring in the best and the brightest as a last resort." –Jay Leno
"In a speech today President Obama called for a new era of bipartisan cooperation. He said this because Obama likes to start off a speech with a joke.” –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama said the day after the budget deal is made he's going to concentrate on immigration. He says he'll start by deporting Ted Cruz." –Conan O'Brien
"This is unbelievable. The government is shut down. Even Al Qaeda couldn't do that. Do you realize that? And as you know, all nonessential employees were sent home – like President Obama's economic team." –Jay Leno
"If President Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government, don't send cruise missiles. He should end over some of his economic advisers." –Jay Leno
"It should be in the dictionary: 'Black-track,' the act of changing one's mind because President Obama has agreed with you. See also: 'Pulling a one-hatey,' or the 'Kenyan boomerang.'" –Bill Maher "Syria's President Assad referred to President Obama as weak. Obama is so angry he plans to ask Congress for permission to come up with a good comeback." –Conan O'Brien
"Last night President Obama spoke to the nation about Syria. Hopefully, Americans who were confused about the president's plan feel better now, knowing that he's confused too." –Jay Leno
"This weekend President Obama celebrated his 52nd birthday. For his birthday, Michelle Obama jumped out of a cake and told him he's not allowed to have any." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama celebrated his 52nd birthday yesterday. You can tell he's getting older because he no longer supports President Obama." –Jimmy Fallon
"Obama decided we're going to arm the rebels in Syria. Yes! This is why I voted for Obama in the first place, so he could carry out McCain's bad ideas." –Bill Maher
This is the same surveillance that was happening under Bush, but under Obama it's somehow a huge outrage on the right. Republicans didn't care about Big Brother until we elected a big brotha." –Bill Maher
"According to a Gallup poll, President Obama's approval rating has dropped to 45 percent. Luckily for Obama, he has 'impeachment insurance.' It's called 'Joe Biden.'" –Jay Leno
"Another scandal hit the White House today. A report found that the government has been secretly collecting the phone records of Verizon customers. I knew something was up when I said, 'You hang up first.' Then my wife said, 'No, YOU hang up first!' Then Obama said, 'Uh, how about you just hang up at the same time?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Did you hear about this? The IRS has admitted they were targeting conservative groups. President Obama called it outrageous and said he would immediately have his Benghazi investigators look into it." –Jay Leno
"Some Republicans are saying that due to his current scandals, President Obama should be impeached. In response, Obama laughed and said, 'Two words fellas: President Biden.'" --Conan O'Brien
"People always say this to me: 'Hey, Letterman,' they say. 'Why don't you make jokes about Obama?' All right, I'll tell you why. I don't make jokes about him because I don't want the FBI tapping my phone, that's why." --David Letterman
"President Obama will be sworn in with his hand resting on two Bibles. Is that how screwed up Washington is now? One Bible can't get the job done anymore?" –Jay Leno
"The White House announced today that the theme for President Obama's second inauguration will be 'Faith in America's Future.' The idea is to get our minds off of America's present." –Jay Leno
"President Obama's inauguration is coming up. During next week's inauguration, he will be sworn in with not one, but two Bibles. Relax, Mr. President. We get it. You're not a Muslim. You're overcompensating." –Conan O'Brien
"President Obama recently came under fire over the lack of diversity in his cabinet. Then Obama said, 'You guys know I'll be there, too, right?'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The White House announced that the theme for President Obama's inauguration will be 'Faith in America's Future.' Which is proof that no one in the White House has ever seen 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Congratulations to President Obama on being reelected president of the United States. Turns out it is not all bad news for the Republicans. It seems that depression is covered by Obamacare." –Jay Leno
"President Obama easily won his home state of Illinois. In fact, in Chicago Obama got 120 percent of the vote." –Jay Leno
"Exit polls show that President Obama did well with women, beating Romney by 11 binders." –Jay Leno
"In his victory speech last night, President Obama told his daughters that they would not be getting another dog. When asked why, the president said, 'Because I just made Mitt Romney my bitch." –Conan O'Brien
"Well, finally the long race is over and as usual a guy from Kenya won." –David Letterman
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